How to Lose A Customer in 10 [non-consecutive] Days:
December 3, 2008:
Field a phone call from well-heeled prospective customer (henceforth referred to as The Mark) who is interested in having life-affirming U-verse cable/internet package installed in his apartment at big, big savings. Before allowing him to speak to a customer service expert, be sure your speech recognition phone menu system can not tell the difference between "YES" and "NO" and that your on-hold music was selected by insane Belgian octogenarians. Secure the first available (see: arbitrary) installation date, which is supposedly a goddam month and a half from now.
January 16, 2009*:
Given that The Mark expects you between the hours of noon and 2:00pm, call him [at work] at 3:55pm to let him know that you've been "ringing the bell over and over but nobody's answering."
Optional: that morning, deploy covert observation expert to laugh at The Mark unplugging current cable box and TV and DVD Player and pulling the entertainment center away from the wall and cleaning up dust bunnies/tumbleweed in anticipation of imaginary AT&T installation appointment.
Later That Day (Revenge of January 16, 2009):
After upping the on-hold musical ante, inform The Mark that you are unable to reschedule until the installation expert calls dispatch to confirm that the appointment was indeed missed. When The Mark offers to put his goldfish on the phone to help explain how stupid that statement sounds, assure him that you understand his frustration and will call back within the hour with a new appointment time. Under no circumstance should you call back.
January 17, 2009:
Make sure you staff your phone lines exclusively with Eastern Bloc customer service experts who exhibit only the most tenuous of grasps upon the English language. Offer a bonus to the operator who can get The Mark off the phone the quickest by promising to call back within the hour with a new installation date. Under no circumstance should you call back.
After not calling back three separate times in a 10 hour timespan, return from happy hour and reward The Mark's fourth phone call that day by allowing him to speak to a supervisor. Tell him that all the supervisors are busy and that you'll have a supervisor call him back. Refrain from laughting when he threatens the lives of your loved ones. Grudgingly give in, but first put him on hold.
Contrary to what you might expect, it is okay to employ a helpful supervisor. This allows you to inform The Mark that he has somehow been scheduled for a March 28 installation. Make sure you record the inevitable "You have got to be fucking kidding me" for playback at the next AT&T Holiday Party. Agree to bend the rules and dispatch an installer on the 19th, MLK Day. Go home, but be sure to call taxis for those who have been drinking.
How can I crush your will to live today?
January 18, 2009
Deploy two service vans to the street The Mark bikes en route to play tennis. Be sure that one driver is asleep and his coworker is smoking with his eyes closed.
January 19, 2009
Have a young-ish looking technician arrive late, but not too late; remember, you want to beat the AT&T record for lengthiest chain yank. Have the technician thank The Mark for unplugging everything (again) and moving the furniture (again) and accept a cup of joe from the gracious host. Now have the technician tell him that he can't install anything because the outlets aren't grounded. Finish the coffee whilst explaining that somebody on the phone should have warned him about that. Leave.
January 20-24, 2009
See January 17, 2009
January 25, 2009
Have the supervisor apologize for the slight misunderstanding. Reschedule for January 31. Take this opportunity to mock The Mark by sending him several "Start enjoying your new service" emails.
January 30, 2009
Call The Mark at 8:30am and leave a message saying he somehow already missed tomorrow's appointment and ask if he'd like to reschedule. When he calls later that day to speak to the supervisor's supervisor, you know what to do. Tell him tomorrow's appointment is still a go and that the morning's phone call was just a glitch. Give the automated phone system a raise.
January 31, 2009
Be sure the installation team is only 5 minutes late. Thank The Mark for making coffee and unplugging everything (again) and moving the furniture (jinx!) and assure him that the outlets look up to code. Now ask to be let into the locked basement.
Fucking run for it.
*70 degrees and sunny... bonus points.
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4 comments:
Brilliant. Where the heck do you find all of those pics? Songs for gay dogs? I have admit that I started to skip the story near the end of the post just to see the pictures. I guess that sums up a lot about me.
Wow. Did you hide his body in the locked basement?
I fucking hate cable co's.
if i had the key, i would have.
"Put the internet in the basket."
i'm fairly sure i can verify that the "songs for gay dogs" is his album and he just took the pic. i seem to remember hearing those soothing melodies coming from his room, particularly when he didn't know i was home.
great title, by the way.
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