What Dreams May Come or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Giant Penguin

Presently it is 5:45 in the ante meridiem and, mere moments ago, I was hiding out from the mob in a clothing/aquarium store that featured a six-foot-tall free-roaming penguin, some scattered electronics, and hundreds upon hundreds of thick, long-sleeve shirts (only available color: dark red).

Were one to consult a dream dictionary, a cursory interpretation of my nightly meanderings through the netherworld would tout an unprecedented window into my repressed fears, desires, and unholy marriages of the two. But such theorizing can only go so far methinks; if you dream of getting an epic blowjob from a woman named Burrito, you went to bed horny and hungry... you are not wrestling with some sort of important career decision. Unless you're currently boning your day-shift manager at Señor Sancho's.

But this morning, as I awoke startled and smelly, I made a stunning revelation regarding my most recent dream; I could trace even my most fanciful hallucinations to the events of the previous day, a day spent in and around Berkeley with the Fair Briana as we awaited her car windows being fixed. Long story.

So I present to you a laundry list of a few of the dream's more prominent characters and props along with what sparked them.

1) Who/What/WTF: Towards the beginning of the dream, Gary Oldman (dressed as Commisioner Gordon) was shot in the chest for being an informant. That's how all good dreams start out. What planted the seed: Briana and I went to see a matinee of "Coraline" and three of the thater's five screens were showing "Watchmen," which sent me on a diatribe about how ridiculous it is when people say things like "Finally, a serious comic book movie." The new Batman flicks are no exception, nerd.

2) Who/What/WTF: Vincent Pastore, a.k.a. Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero, was the guy doing the shooting. What planted the seed: after deciding that we are no longer into "Tell Me You Love Me," the better half and I thought it's time to check back in with Tony and Carmella, season four. Alternatively, I'm terrified of pussies.

3) Who/What/WTF: Gary Oldman's body falling onto an enormous cutting board. What planted the seed: cutting up carrots for Briana's tofu Thai feast, which stood as my only contribution apart from moral support.

4) Who/What/WTF: A vaguely Scandinavian family, all wearing dark Ray Ban sunglasses. What planted the seed: the family was an obvious amalgam of the many inconspicuous tourists that were roaming the streets, but the glasses were spurred by my astute observation that there was "some sort of blind person convention in town or something."

5) Who/What/WTF: A 20-feet-tall woman wearing rain boots. What planted the seed: Mr. Bobinsky, from "Coraline."

6) Who/What/WTF: The afore-mentioned giant penguin, who was looking at an aquarium and, in a comedic moment I can not hope to do justice in writing, gave a passing female shopper a condescending look. What planted the seed: I walked by a credit union on Shattuck Avenue and took a few seconds to figure out what their logo was supposed to be.

7) Who/What/WTF: The store I was hiding out in (Gary Oldman had survived the attempt on his life) had a huge display of eggs for sale. They were labeled Mackerel, Herring, "Fish", and Baby Penguin [?!]. What planted the seed: this one's a two-fer. The eggs themselves were a conversation point over brunch at La Note, where we took great pleasure in ordering, and subsequently consuming, our "oeufs." The contents of the dream oeufs were courtesy our pre-dinner run to the the local soon-to-be-its-own-zip-code Safeway, where I inexplicably felt compelled to buy fish sauce despite reading the list of ingredients.

Okay that's enough of that.

But while on the subject, a party who wishes to remain nameless is offering a handsome reward for anyone who can get her significant other to stop snoring. Handguns are to be considered a last resort, unless you know a guy.